Real Life...It Blows Sometimes

And so it happened. I failed my first architecture exam. What a time! Looking back I know I did some of what I had to or at least I thought I did. I disappeared off the grid and that’s always the hardest thing in life for me. I avoided going to events I wanted to go to. I sacrificed countless hours of sleep for months. I played Nice For What and Kanye’s Champion the whole way to the testing center to get ready to blow through this exam. I said another one of my meanest prayers to God like, “You gave me this dream so let’s go to war for it! If you go before me I promise to meet you on the other side with my effort. I’ll do it!...etc. Etc.” I did all that in the hopes that I could pull off passing my second exam of six in total and I didn’t. And you know I was actually alright with it all a few months ago.

That was until...I attempted to take the same exam again only to fail...again.

And that time hurt. Bad.

I remember sitting there staring at the computer screen reading the pre-assessment results of a likely fail and wanting to cry. However, you all know I’m a thug on the weekdays and so I abstained until I could air box safely in the confinement of my car. I found out about three days later though that I hadn’t improved in the majority of the areas since my first attempt at taking the exam. That blow hurt like not having your check drop until the 4th of the month when your rent is due on the 1st. And so Kiera wept. I’ll admit it. After that and a rather large glass of wine poured by my best friend I picked myself up only to wage the war in my mind.

You know the one where you have to fight the common lies of “maybe I’m not smart enough”, "maybe I chose the wrong profession", “what is the point of trying again anyways?”, along with a long list of expressions glittered with general expletives I swear I’ll stop using one day, and everything in between.

Now before you go off to text or DM me with all of the “it’s ok Ki’s” just know that I am fairing fine right about now. I am dealing with it and still brushing myself off, but overall I’m just adjusting to fact that I have a lot of room to improve. And that is ok. I’m still a little battered but I’m getting better at taking on challenges; this is a challenge I accepted at seven so I shall try again. I will improve and I will pass them all. ALL of them. I’m just resurfacing to tell you all that a lot of times your dreams will try you. They will not come easy. They will not be sweet and ready with open arms to allow you to level up real quick. The journey to achieve our dreams are a constant uphill battle and sometimes you might fall, but our failures only make more room for God to work in and through our situations. What is a testimony without the tests anyways? I'll just add this experience to a long list of reasons that’ll justify all the champagne bottles I plan on popping with you guys once I do finally get that piece of paper. So ready yourselves for next year people!

Now regarding your dream know that whatever it is you can achieve it. Whatever it takes you already have it within you. You ARE enough so dust yourself off and get back to work.

Besides...everyone loves the underdog.

Happy Battling Dreamers,

KT

Snippet 10.3.16

I'm not afraid to fail

I'm not afraid to try

I'm not afraid to share

I'm not afraid to say what's mine

I'm comfortable being uncomfortable

Settling is very affordable

We all bought in

There are pieces at your job, pieces in relationships

Take a piece of your peace back

We all gotta soar

Sample these air waves

Come Columbus explore

Be careful not to wither

Lack of attendance die young

Careful not to stay too long

Life movie brief as the summer breeze's song

So....if all else fail....Progress.

Time already begun.

You Know Me, But Know I’m Growing

Relationships of any kind are something rather marvelous in themselves. Having someone to vent to, share with, be awkward with, nervous with, laugh with, cry with, love with, etc. is so necessary to our health because the truth is we need people. If anyone tells you otherwise they're lying, and since we can't quite be in a relationship with ourselves we have to learn how to get along with and communicate with others in order for those relationships to flourish. Through vulnerability, trust, and effort a great relationship has the ability to bring the very best out of you if handled correctly. Trust me here. I currently enjoy the benefits of having four best friends and because of them I am able to maintain my sanity. Now while I know relationships do present their perks, let's be clear...real relationships take a crazy amount of work to cultivate and maintain. You know….those relationships where you can admit you might have been jealous of them at one point in time, or tell them that they actually don’t smell too pleasant, or tell them you're actually going through a financial hardship then proceed to ask for help, or where you can tell them that they’re totally acting out of character without them wanting to discontinue the friendship….those types of relationships. Those types of relationships come with awkwardness, sometimes bruised egos, hurt feelings, the difficulties of having to learn someone else's behavior among plenty of other highs and lows, and so much more. Strangely, in spite of all of that they are still extremely worth the effort!

With that being said, after developing a relationship with someone to the point where you feel like you really know them and they really know you comfort can be an easy thing to slip into. It’s natural. However, it is that same comfort that can  be hindering to the very relationship you work so hard to sustain.

Here's why....

A sense of comfort can sometimes prohibit growth in a person and GROWTH IS VITAL to maintaining any healthy relationship.

Any relationship is one that evolves. That evolution is both necessary and quite critical for both parties to experience and move through together.  It makes for a stronger bond. If you all do not, the relationship crumbles and falls apart. Think about it... we change every second of every hour of every day of every year of our lives. Read that again slowly until it resonates. We are always learning new ways to filter and transfer information. We are constantly learning new things about ourselves and processing different ways of dealing with who we are in our respective phases of life. We are experiencing new things all of the time and that kind of constant change creates a newer and more adept person. A person that might be a lot different than the person people remember in middle school or college. They might be different from the child you remember raising. They might do things a little differently than the way you might have shown them initially. In any case, they are a more progressive version of themselves and that is EXACTLY the person we SHOULD and NEED to allow room to grow!

Imagine a doctor trying to diagnose a patient today with standards and descriptions that don't extend beyond the 1980’s. Imagine that you've recently become a baby Bobby Flay in the kitchen, but your friends refuse to see you and your skills beyond the beginner chef you once were that would burn water if left to chance. Imagine a teacher giving their student the same type of homework each day even when the student proved that they had mastered that skill and were ready for more challenging tasks. In each of those scenarios you probably wouldn’t take so kindly to them, right? Right. Eventually, in each of these cases, the failure to acknowledge that person’s growth or the fact that something exists beyond what you think you already know about them in that situation will be detrimental to the relationship. That is what tends to happen when you believe you know a person better than they know themselves. (And again, how can you do this when we are constantly changing? You cannot even pen yourself in a fully comprehensible package. What makes you think you can do the same for someone else? Exactly. You cannot.)

So in conclusion, even while it is comforting to have people in your life where you are familiar with all of their favorite things, their habits, and etc., don't forget to make room for the person they're becoming,  trying to become, or want to become. Learn to be patient with them because just like you that person is changing each and every day. Like you, that person is trying to progress towards better. Like you, that person is still trying to figure themselves out and who they want to be so be careful about the way you package them. Most people do not take well to being placed in a box no matter how pretty and nostalgic the wrapping. Don’t obstruct their process, witness and experience it with them. I’m sure the journey will be worthwhile.

Ki,

The Accepting Dreamer