For most of my life I've had a weird tolerance for failure. Like if something didn't seem like it was going to work out I just let it be and kept on going with my life. For example, I was the kid whose world wouldn't stop if I didn't have stockings to complete my church outfit or earrings to signal that I wasn't a boy. That drove my mom crazy of course, but it never really bothered me (you'd actually probably have to pay money to see me in them now). I became the girl that was sure both you and I would go on to lead productive lives if you caught me with my legs unshaven or with my hair a mess in public. This sense of being carefree only continued on into my adulthood. When it came to my personal appearance, I found an overwhelming sense of liberation in my sense of dress and my physical appearance. My outfits and hair styles became as loud and big as my personality at times and I loved every moment of it. Being that question mark that people couldn't quite put an answer to was something I took pride in and it is honestly something that still gives me joy. I love not giving people the option of being able to put me into a box.

The price of my being so carefree comes with lots of highs and many lows though. The highs occur when I run into someone that tells me "I wish I could pull this off the way you do", or the "I know I couldn't pull that off, but you can". The highs include watching a friend or family member's face beam as they step out of their comfort zone to try something new, love it, and then go on to own it. I am soooo here for that. 

However.....the lows.....are low.

The lows include a constant battle of what I can and cannot look like due to corporate regulations that favor European standards of beauty. Tamed and well-kept don't often translate into big hair and bright colors. The lows include having to face people's assumptions that you don't love yourself and that you aren't their idea of a woman because your look shifts so often. The lows include having to fight yourself in order to keep your own peace and sanity after words cut so deep they seem to seep into your core and rewrite the fabric of the identity you worked so hard to build. The lows include accepting the fact that while you will be ridiculed by many who won't understand you, you will be simultaneously liberating and encouraging others to dare to be as bold as they want to. The lows come when you realize you will get this from both men and women, and maybe even worst from women. Those are just some of my lows, and they’ve caused me to shed many a tear and wallow in self-doubt one too many times. I remember being bitter over those tears and frustrations simply knowing that they only resulted over my trying to achieve my own happiness in my own way, or making someone else feel uncomfortable. However, I will say that while those moments were painful they forged a stronger sense of self love that I wouldn’t trade now for anything.

So here's the takeaway….

Words can uplift and words can certainly put down. So can actions. The extent of that ascension or descending will never be yours to know so watch the things you say and the ways in which you respond through your actions. Next, the definition of woman is vast. It encompasses and looks like so much, and for that I am sincerely grateful. Your definition of woman isn't mines and my definition of woman isn't yours. We are each individual and still woman nonetheless. We define what woman is for ourselves. Woman looks like that truck driver on the road. Woman looks like that lady that prefers men's clothing over that of women's. Woman looks like a stay at home mom. Woman looks like a woman in corporate America. Woman looks like a scientist or a neurosurgeon. Woman looks like she loves makeup and knows that she looks darn good with it. Woman looks like she can rock her bare face in power. Woman looks like an architect. Woman looks like me…..is me. And that is the beautiful part about it. We women come in so many shapes, forms, and sizes that it is overwhelming....and I dig that. So don't limit yourself to seeing what all and who all woman can be by giving another woman a box to fit in.

Much love dreamers,

KT….the woman