And so it happened. I failed my first architecture exam. What a time! Looking back I know I did some of what I had to or at least I thought I did. I disappeared off the grid and that’s always the hardest thing in life for me. I avoided going to events I wanted to go to. I sacrificed countless hours of sleep for months. I played Nice For What and Kanye’s Champion the whole way to the testing center to get ready to blow through this exam. I said another one of my meanest prayers to God like, “You gave me this dream so let’s go to war for it! If you go before me I promise to meet you on the other side with my effort. I’ll do it!...etc. Etc.” I did all that in the hopes that I could pull off passing my second exam of six in total and I didn’t. And you know I was actually alright with it all a few months ago.
That was until...I attempted to take the same exam again only to fail...again.
And that time hurt. Bad.
I remember sitting there staring at the computer screen reading the pre-assessment results of a likely fail and wanting to cry. However, you all know I’m a thug on the weekdays and so I abstained until I could air box safely in the confinement of my car. I found out about three days later though that I hadn’t improved in the majority of the areas since my first attempt at taking the exam. That blow hurt like not having your check drop until the 4th of the month when your rent is due on the 1st. And so Kiera wept. I’ll admit it. After that and a rather large glass of wine poured by my best friend I picked myself up only to wage the war in my mind.
You know the one where you have to fight the common lies of “maybe I’m not smart enough”, "maybe I chose the wrong profession", “what is the point of trying again anyways?”, along with a long list of expressions glittered with general expletives I swear I’ll stop using one day, and everything in between.
Now before you go off to text or DM me with all of the “it’s ok Ki’s” just know that I am fairing fine right about now. I am dealing with it and still brushing myself off, but overall I’m just adjusting to fact that I have a lot of room to improve. And that is ok. I’m still a little battered but I’m getting better at taking on challenges; this is a challenge I accepted at seven so I shall try again. I will improve and I will pass them all. ALL of them. I’m just resurfacing to tell you all that a lot of times your dreams will try you. They will not come easy. They will not be sweet and ready with open arms to allow you to level up real quick. The journey to achieve our dreams are a constant uphill battle and sometimes you might fall, but our failures only make more room for God to work in and through our situations. What is a testimony without the tests anyways? I'll just add this experience to a long list of reasons that’ll justify all the champagne bottles I plan on popping with you guys once I do finally get that piece of paper. So ready yourselves for next year people!
Now regarding your dream know that whatever it is you can achieve it. Whatever it takes you already have it within you. You ARE enough so dust yourself off and get back to work.
Besides...everyone loves the underdog.
Happy Battling Dreamers,
KT