Everyone but me

Lately I’ve been in this season of dryness. I mean like literally everyone around me seems to have been prospering in some shape, form, or fashion. Well everyone that is except me. I have friends getting married over here. Others are successfully getting through cuffing season with new boos over in the cut. (I’m sure this is a feeling only I know though lol.) I have friends hosting events and being recognized down over yonder. I have people getting promoted around the corner, people coming out with breakthroughs down the block, and everything else good that you could possibly think of. So there’s all of that and then somewhere down the line….there’s me. In what appears to be a season of nothingness or what feels like a whole season of being glossed over….There. Is. Me.

Now I know I might be the only one feeling this way….I get it, but in the rare case that I’m not alone is the reason behind why I’m writing this to you all.

October 24, 2016.

It was a Monday and I found myself walking into my job like normal. I said hello to everyone like normal and was strangely called into a meeting at 10:30 AM to speak with a guy I’d never seen before. Forgot his name, but that’s besides the point. He was there to tell me I was laid off that day. Simple as that.

I didn’t cry. I was just stunned. It was all new. I thought I was liked by everyone. Why lay me off?  Was I not special enough? What didn’t I do? Welp God gotta have it because I don't. Clearly. I was two days out from signing a new lease to my own place and boom. We were here. A month later I got a new job by the grace of God. I thought....ayye "Come thru Lordt!", but in a month that felt like a total lie honestly. The new job was challenging and stressful. It was rough. I dreaded coming into work and feared I would be fired for about two weeks straight. I didn't feel special. I felt like “What is the point here?” I felt like every step I took was into a slight pothole but somehow….I’m still here. And I am better. I am sharper. I am more experienced, aware, and prepared.

So fast forward to today as I sit at my desk again feeling like the world has glossed over me once again and that things are just uneventful, I look back on October 24, 2016. The time when nothing was going right. The time when I struggled finding purpose in the things I needed to do. The time when I questioned...."Well why?!" all the time. That day and that time prepared me to confidently sit here and deal with these similar emotions. Emotions of being overlooked, of not progressing quickly enough for my own liking, feelings of wth, inadequacy and all that. It is because of that time in my life that I can sit here from experience and know that greater days are right around the corner from this here season.

I am not forgotten about. Today is not just another day. There is a purpose for even this season too and there will be another time down the line where I look back over these days fondly. So with the end of the year fast approaching I just want to encourage you that even if your year didn’t pan out for you how you thought it ought to….you are right where you ought to be. You will be stronger. You will be better. You will accomplish those goals and you will be able to reflect back on such a time as this and smile.

So here’s to purposeful days no matter how uneventful they seem.

KT

So anybody that knows me knows that I am one of thee happiest people you will ever meet. I love meeting new people and making them feel comfortable right from our initial meeting. I love extending kindness because well....I have no reason to be mean at all. Strangely, while I have always been able to extend emotional support to others like joy, comfort, and acceptance lately I have found myself struggling to extend those kindnesses back to me. And it made me want to isolate myself and I even began to.

Yes. Me...the social butterfly's social butterfly. 

The last few weeks I found myself being isolated accidentally and intentionally. My apartment became an eerie refuge. Options became available to me like letting relationships subside just to see if anyone would come searching for me. God felt further away. My failed attempts at accomplishing goals this year seemed amplified and I let them eat at me. The nearing of a birthday also magnified this looming isolation to some degree because I started wondering things like "Who do I really have in my life?" and "Who is this woman I am now? Is she where I wanted to be at this age?" All of these thoughts were going on when all I presented in public was a smile and wave. 

Here's the good news: I'm coming out of that place. Happily. Getting out of that place has been made possible simply by allowing others into my space and admitting the things I was dealing with. Next, instead of granting myself isolation I granted myself more time with friends and family. I'm still working on doing more of that now actually. Also, thanks to some necessary Jesus time and some self-acceptance I realize there is still time to do the things I want to because God's timeline is never off schedule. There's still plenty that he's doing.

Here's the newsflash: These thoughts could be that of anyone and you would never know. They could be your sister's, your brother's, your best friend's, that guy or girl you went to high school with a few years back, your pastor's, anyone’s. Some people could even be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel alone and unheard.  

Here's the point: No one is invincible and we need each other. No one is strong enough to do life alone and we need to take it upon ourselves to ensure that no one does. Let's talk more. Let's stop responding with "I'm fine" and "I'll be ok" when we don't know if we will be. If you see someone crying out for company on their social media outlets or even in your presence reach out to them. You could be the very uplift and encouragement they need. So again reach out! Vulnerability is uncomfortable I know, but it is liberating and necessary in order to reset and rebuild and come back stronger than ever. So open up....I'm sure you'll be happy you did.

Much love dreamers,

KT

People pleaser

For a long part of my life I wanted to be a people pleaser. I wanted to be liked by everyone and loved by all. I never wanted to be the lone ranger. I always needed the group opinion. It did something for me. It strangely still does. I mean....for crying out loud my personality type is the campaigner. It's how I'm wired. A straight up social butterfly?...Yea, that's me. I needed people near. Having a lot of people around just meant having an abundance of crutches and fall backs to blame. Dealing with just me meant I'd have to own up to whatever decisions I made alone. It meant receiving direct blame if someone didn't like something, or if they just hated whatever I did. It meant vulnerability and an ownership I wasn’t convinced I was ready for, and I hated the thought of it all.

So as a solution to not having to let people down I became somewhat of a “yes” woman. “Yes, I can blah blah blah.” “Yes, I'll try yaddah this and that.” “Yes, I can help you.” I said yes to wayyy too much and even in the moments where I found myself being drained a simple "No" was never enough to fix it. A let down of any kind had to come with an explanation. "If I was free I would" or "if I have time I'll try". Those were my sugarcoated "No's". As you can imagine surely saying yes to everything started to leave me depleted. I felt kind of powerless and constantly at the mercy of other people's approval often. It was a frustrating time, but I can say with complete confidence that if saying yes to too much taught me nothing else.....it taught me following:

Concerning yourself with pleasing everyone will leave everyone pleased but YOU after it's all said and done.

Go ahead and just let that marinate.

For all those times I said yes at least half of them meant saying no to me on some level. It meant saying no on doing what I wanted to do. It just meant no on a lot. Now I'm not saying just go out there and start saying "No" to any and everything....no. I’m saying just start saying "Yes" to you sometimes. Honor your own choices. If you don't want to do something....chose yourself. Don’t do it. If you don't want to be somewhere then don't go and know that the world will not end if you say the magic word. Know that it’s ok to just leave it at no and that you don’t owe anyone an explanation at times. It’s perfectly alright.

Respect yourself....respect your interests.....respect your wishes. Don't back down from standing up for yourself because it's ok to not please everybody all of the time. Spoiler alert: you'll take yourself to your grave trying to do something like that anyways. You'll never accomplish that feat and believe me when I say you don’t want to. So the next time you take the time to please someone or something, make sure that you’re one of the people you start to with.

Happy saying “No” dreamers. 

What I Don't Say

Dear Bean Heads,

I can still remember when you two were born.  I thought our folks were just dead set on ruining any other chance we had left of family vacation. (I was wrong thankfully.) You were the first curveball Bean head #1. I was totally blindsided when you showed up. Our set of three seemed perfect, but I guess our folks wanted a quad soo bad. You were just this cute little, foreign thing. I didn’t understand kids and I still don’t, but you were my first introduction to strangeness. I thought your belly button was mad weird and I didn’t want to touch you because of it actually. Weird…yes. So what. I repeat…you were a foreign thing to me.

Now when you were born Bean head #2, I just knew life as we knew it to be was going to end. When Bean head #1 came, I had already feared for our being able to take family vacations BUT WHEN YOU CAME….I felt that we’d be stuck eating chicken flavored ramen for life! Life! Going to the movies? Unheard of. I was even practicing on how to see that as a thing of the past when you came. It was at that point I figured our folks were too bored and dead set on ending our world forever. It also didn’t help that your birth year marked my entrance into womanhood. Great.  So basically, you had no choice but to be my sign for the end of times. The only thing missing honestly was the trumpet sounds and Jesus himself coming back for us all.

Yes….not your average big sister welcome, but boy believe it or not you girls taught me how to love and LOVE HARD.

As you probably noticed growing up, I’m not the most affectionate of your siblings by any means. I could never really figure out how to express my love for you two and it resulted in maybe too little time being spent going to the park, too many nights spent out on my part, or ice cream trips that would call for good old fashioned sibling bonding. In my mind…you guys didn’t need me for that and I never knew I really needed to feel needed in that way. What can I say, I’ve been a thug for a long time. I will say though that life taught me how much I actually did need to know that. However, before that lesson if I would have been anything like a normal older sibling I probably would’ve and should have expressed the fact that I fooled with y’all a little bit more. Since I was not your average older sibling though and you two are well on your way to becoming real life teens I thought I’d spend more time letting you both in on some rare Ki tea whenever I get the chance. *lean close nugget heads*

Here it is……

You two happen to be the biggest reasons for why I go as hard as I do when I do. I push and go after everything I possibly can because I want you all to know that you both can pull out of this world anything you want for yourselves as well.

You are both young now, but I look at the two of you and see the brightest of futures in store. Life comes at you fast and I know that before I fully recognize it…before you two really see it…you’ll both be women.  You two will have decisions to make and entire lives to lead. You will be forced to walk gracefully in a world that’ll try to tell you everything from how to dress to how to think. You’ll be forced to feed yourself with a confidence you won’t find in the same place twice. You will need to be encouragement, strength, love, and protection separately and sometimes all at once for yourself and others you care for. You will need to be above and beyond in this life and when that time comes it’s my hope that I’ll be able to help you both find that inner Queen/fearless one within you. Those lost park trips, ice cream truck runs, stifled "love you’s”, and other forms of inaudible adoration I took note of and stored I plan on redeeming with “I’ve been there” , “I understand”, “ how can I help you?”, and “yes, you can and I can show you how”.

Time is flying and now even more than ever I notice that you both pay even more attention to me than you use to. I know you’re watching ever so closely and taking notes.  I know you both have front seats to the things your older siblings do. You are seeing this in real time and this is why I’ll never let up on attempting to show you both what all you can do when you apply yourself.  I trail blaze for you two young beauties. This is my love.

So here’s to y’all and these wins I know you both will take some day! And here's to my attempt at constantly showing you it's possible.

A constantly inspired and proud dreamer with younger siblings,

Ki

Sit at the Table

To be honest there are a lot of times that I want to cower away. I sometimes get a little too comfortable with letting a man speak up for me. I sometimes shy away from flexing my credentials out of fear they might not quite measure up to my peers. I sometimes participate in conversations that make me want to pipe down and dissolve into the closest corner because sometimes I just don't feel smart enough to be in the room. To be at the table.

Professionally, I'm constantly reminded of just how much I don't know and sometimes it sucks. I'll be honest here too. I find myself frustrated at having to do things over and over again because I'm a recovering perfectionist. I hate the fact that there are still moments when I question if I really am the person for the job. I wonder at times, what did college really do for me besides put me in major debt? Here's a fun fact though....if that's you, you are far from alone in having these thoughts. These kinds of thoughts just come by existing really. And a lot of times the quick solution to these kinds of thoughts is to take the easy way out....you know....go quiet, tell yourself you'll come back when you're ready, hang with people who make you look like a stellar human being because....pick me up, among many other cop outs because you're afraid of being uncomfortable, vulnerable, uncertain. I get that. I've done that. I understand.

But,

Today I'm challenging you to do something else. I'm challenging you to realize and embrace every part of who you are and boldly sit at the table.

Ki, what's the table? Glad you asked.

The table is the place where you go and sit in front of everyone in the house then proceed to eat. Yes, I went with the literal meaning. And I'm not talking about sitting at the kids' table either. I'm talking about the table where only the adults sit at on holidays. The table where you have to sit down so assertively that the other seats that be just know you belong there too. You ever see a kid attempt to sit at the adult table real shy like over the holidays? Yea? Don't be that kid. They get so much more attention when they awkwardly try to sit down. Now imagine if that kid would have silently went right up to the table and sat down. Sooner than later....they'd fit right in after a while. I should know....I have successfully introduced myself to the adult table and many of other spots you normally wouldn't find your average 12 year old. *hi fives myself* Here's the point: get to that table. Stay at that table. 

Another courageous table sitting example for you is this, I once had a professor tell me how he landed his first job. He identified a place he wanted to work at and one day he decided to dress in his best professional digs, walk in, and act as if he already belonged there. When asked who he was, he simply replied, "Oh I'm such and such. I'm the new hire. They didn't tell you about me?" Long story short....he got hired for that move alone.

I hope that in both cases, you get my drift. Each day I'm asking you to act as if it's already yours.  Don't ask anybody about whether you can sit, should you sit, where to sit, how to sit, none of that! You just get to that table and stay there because whether you believe it or not you belong at that table with the big timers. You belong in that conversation! You belong at that networking event just as much as anybody else. Own it! Now knowing it's way easier said than done I pray for you courage and tenacity. I pray when people see you they see a person containing a giant inside of them because that is what you are. Go get em champ! And when you do....just make sure you save a spot for the next dreamer to come.

Much love to you dreamers, 
Ki

You Know Me, But Know I’m Growing

Relationships of any kind are something rather marvelous in themselves. Having someone to vent to, share with, be awkward with, nervous with, laugh with, cry with, love with, etc. is so necessary to our health because the truth is we need people. If anyone tells you otherwise they're lying, and since we can't quite be in a relationship with ourselves we have to learn how to get along with and communicate with others in order for those relationships to flourish. Through vulnerability, trust, and effort a great relationship has the ability to bring the very best out of you if handled correctly. Trust me here. I currently enjoy the benefits of having four best friends and because of them I am able to maintain my sanity. Now while I know relationships do present their perks, let's be clear...real relationships take a crazy amount of work to cultivate and maintain. You know….those relationships where you can admit you might have been jealous of them at one point in time, or tell them that they actually don’t smell too pleasant, or tell them you're actually going through a financial hardship then proceed to ask for help, or where you can tell them that they’re totally acting out of character without them wanting to discontinue the friendship….those types of relationships. Those types of relationships come with awkwardness, sometimes bruised egos, hurt feelings, the difficulties of having to learn someone else's behavior among plenty of other highs and lows, and so much more. Strangely, in spite of all of that they are still extremely worth the effort!

With that being said, after developing a relationship with someone to the point where you feel like you really know them and they really know you comfort can be an easy thing to slip into. It’s natural. However, it is that same comfort that can  be hindering to the very relationship you work so hard to sustain.

Here's why....

A sense of comfort can sometimes prohibit growth in a person and GROWTH IS VITAL to maintaining any healthy relationship.

Any relationship is one that evolves. That evolution is both necessary and quite critical for both parties to experience and move through together.  It makes for a stronger bond. If you all do not, the relationship crumbles and falls apart. Think about it... we change every second of every hour of every day of every year of our lives. Read that again slowly until it resonates. We are always learning new ways to filter and transfer information. We are constantly learning new things about ourselves and processing different ways of dealing with who we are in our respective phases of life. We are experiencing new things all of the time and that kind of constant change creates a newer and more adept person. A person that might be a lot different than the person people remember in middle school or college. They might be different from the child you remember raising. They might do things a little differently than the way you might have shown them initially. In any case, they are a more progressive version of themselves and that is EXACTLY the person we SHOULD and NEED to allow room to grow!

Imagine a doctor trying to diagnose a patient today with standards and descriptions that don't extend beyond the 1980’s. Imagine that you've recently become a baby Bobby Flay in the kitchen, but your friends refuse to see you and your skills beyond the beginner chef you once were that would burn water if left to chance. Imagine a teacher giving their student the same type of homework each day even when the student proved that they had mastered that skill and were ready for more challenging tasks. In each of those scenarios you probably wouldn’t take so kindly to them, right? Right. Eventually, in each of these cases, the failure to acknowledge that person’s growth or the fact that something exists beyond what you think you already know about them in that situation will be detrimental to the relationship. That is what tends to happen when you believe you know a person better than they know themselves. (And again, how can you do this when we are constantly changing? You cannot even pen yourself in a fully comprehensible package. What makes you think you can do the same for someone else? Exactly. You cannot.)

So in conclusion, even while it is comforting to have people in your life where you are familiar with all of their favorite things, their habits, and etc., don't forget to make room for the person they're becoming,  trying to become, or want to become. Learn to be patient with them because just like you that person is changing each and every day. Like you, that person is trying to progress towards better. Like you, that person is still trying to figure themselves out and who they want to be so be careful about the way you package them. Most people do not take well to being placed in a box no matter how pretty and nostalgic the wrapping. Don’t obstruct their process, witness and experience it with them. I’m sure the journey will be worthwhile.

Ki,

The Accepting Dreamer  

It Can Always Be Worse

So a few weeks ago I got the chance to go out of the country for the very first time. I went on a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico with my best friends and it was nothing short of amazing! I went parasailing and zip lining. I also got to sleep in a hammock, float in the ocean with some fish, and eat until my insides cried every single day (reasons why I need the gym still). Any who, one thing that became quite obvious from the jump were the amount of foreign workers aboard the shop. At first, I just thought nothing of it. I figured cool….this cruise line is really committed to helping out other countries, but for some reason my heart never settled with this explanation. That feeling was worsened when one of the crew got on the loudspeaker and announced that they were going to make the rest of the crew “dance” for us during one of our umpteenth dinners.

You know that meme of Drake where he’s court side at a game initially smiling and enjoying his life and then in the next moment he starts thinking about world hunger and how messed up the planet is? That meme? That was that moment for me. Now, I could have been over responsive, but that’s just how I felt.

And then they all danced in their costumes and all the positivity they could muster up after busting tables and who knows what else all day. I felt like I was viewing a showing where humans were just puppets on display and there went my trip. It didn’t help either that our awesome (he really was though) server explained to us how they live on the ship, don’t get to go home often at all, carry on endless servitude with tips waging less than $70 a month on top of their minimal salary I’m sure, and etc.

I didn’t mean to sadden you dreamers, I actually meant to wake you up! A lot of us complain, myself included, about things that others can’t even imagine being a problem at all. That cruise made me check my privilege. Yes, even my privilege as a young, African American woman in America. This is not to diminish our individual problems at all…it is just to get you to consider and know that there are people out there living in and through worse each and every day. There are people wishing they could be where you are right now. So what are you doing to live your life to the fullest for those that cannot? When’s the last time you stopped to consider how good your life is or how lucky you are to be in this time period with the current problems you have instead of another? My guess is that it’s been a while for some of us.

I want to encourage us to not only be grateful, but be inspired to better ourselves because there’s someone else that can’t on their own. Don’t settle for what you have, be great at whatever it is you’re doing because you’re not just doing it for you. Someone before you took steps so that your life could be better than what they had. Don’t waste their efforts. Pass them on.

Ki,

A humbled dreamer