Relationships of any kind are something rather marvelous in themselves. Having someone to vent to, share with, be awkward with, nervous with, laugh with, cry with, love with, etc. is so necessary to our health because the truth is we need people. If anyone tells you otherwise they're lying, and since we can't quite be in a relationship with ourselves we have to learn how to get along with and communicate with others in order for those relationships to flourish. Through vulnerability, trust, and effort a great relationship has the ability to bring the very best out of you if handled correctly. Trust me here. I currently enjoy the benefits of having four best friends and because of them I am able to maintain my sanity. Now while I know relationships do present their perks, let's be clear...real relationships take a crazy amount of work to cultivate and maintain. You know….those relationships where you can admit you might have been jealous of them at one point in time, or tell them that they actually don’t smell too pleasant, or tell them you're actually going through a financial hardship then proceed to ask for help, or where you can tell them that they’re totally acting out of character without them wanting to discontinue the friendship….those types of relationships. Those types of relationships come with awkwardness, sometimes bruised egos, hurt feelings, the difficulties of having to learn someone else's behavior among plenty of other highs and lows, and so much more. Strangely, in spite of all of that they are still extremely worth the effort!
With that being said, after developing a relationship with someone to the point where you feel like you really know them and they really know you comfort can be an easy thing to slip into. It’s natural. However, it is that same comfort that can be hindering to the very relationship you work so hard to sustain.
Here's why....
A sense of comfort can sometimes prohibit growth in a person and GROWTH IS VITAL to maintaining any healthy relationship.
Any relationship is one that evolves. That evolution is both necessary and quite critical for both parties to experience and move through together. It makes for a stronger bond. If you all do not, the relationship crumbles and falls apart. Think about it... we change every second of every hour of every day of every year of our lives. Read that again slowly until it resonates. We are always learning new ways to filter and transfer information. We are constantly learning new things about ourselves and processing different ways of dealing with who we are in our respective phases of life. We are experiencing new things all of the time and that kind of constant change creates a newer and more adept person. A person that might be a lot different than the person people remember in middle school or college. They might be different from the child you remember raising. They might do things a little differently than the way you might have shown them initially. In any case, they are a more progressive version of themselves and that is EXACTLY the person we SHOULD and NEED to allow room to grow!
Imagine a doctor trying to diagnose a patient today with standards and descriptions that don't extend beyond the 1980’s. Imagine that you've recently become a baby Bobby Flay in the kitchen, but your friends refuse to see you and your skills beyond the beginner chef you once were that would burn water if left to chance. Imagine a teacher giving their student the same type of homework each day even when the student proved that they had mastered that skill and were ready for more challenging tasks. In each of those scenarios you probably wouldn’t take so kindly to them, right? Right. Eventually, in each of these cases, the failure to acknowledge that person’s growth or the fact that something exists beyond what you think you already know about them in that situation will be detrimental to the relationship. That is what tends to happen when you believe you know a person better than they know themselves. (And again, how can you do this when we are constantly changing? You cannot even pen yourself in a fully comprehensible package. What makes you think you can do the same for someone else? Exactly. You cannot.)
So in conclusion, even while it is comforting to have people in your life where you are familiar with all of their favorite things, their habits, and etc., don't forget to make room for the person they're becoming, trying to become, or want to become. Learn to be patient with them because just like you that person is changing each and every day. Like you, that person is trying to progress towards better. Like you, that person is still trying to figure themselves out and who they want to be so be careful about the way you package them. Most people do not take well to being placed in a box no matter how pretty and nostalgic the wrapping. Don’t obstruct their process, witness and experience it with them. I’m sure the journey will be worthwhile.
Ki,
The Accepting Dreamer
